Tyche’s Torrid Jam Affair (or How to make a jam virgin feel awkward.)

 

Before I tell you this torrid tale of seduction¬† and sass, I feel the need to mention a few things. As is sometimes my style, I might be making some things up, or embellishing actual facts. People in the writing community call it “creative license”. I call it “bullsh*tting”. Since I will be BSing I have taken the liberty of altering the name of the object of my desires so as to protect the poor, innocent little thing. Oh, and one more thing, there was a lot of alcohol involved in the weekend, so things will almost definitely be all sorts of out of order from how they actually took place.

I cannot recall the exact moment that I met Youngson Likessomebeer, but I am certain that I was smitten from the start. I do remember the moment when I vowed to him that I would expend a large amount of energy on him. This energy would not be expended in the typical way one would expect within a torrid affair. Oh no! This energy would be expended in multiple attempts to make him feel completely awkward.

One of the first attempts came as we were snuggled in the back seat of a car. Our bellies were full of Buffalo wing goodness, the sun was setting, there were three of us crammed into the backseat, it was the perfect setting for a romantic moment. In Tyche fashion I seized said moment, threw my arm around Hungson Grabssomerear, pulled him in tight and whispered into his ear all sexy-like “Feeling awkward yet?” He flashed a grin, laughed and replied “I really don’t think there is anything you can do to make me feel awkward.” “GAME ON!” I yelled with the ferocity of a woman who knew what she wanted! Game on, indeed!

Later that evening, as we were enjoying some sweet, sweet tunes I approached Boy Wonder and stood dangerously close. The tension was palpable. “Feeling awkward yet?” I asked with a serious stare. He leaned in even closer, eyes locked on mine, faces but inches apart, the look on his face serious as a heart attack, then proceeded to cover my face with a blast of air from his nose. This type of display might have thrown a lesser cougar off of her game but I am not one to be deterred that easily.

There was a super special moment, one whose time I cannot place, but one that needs to not be forgotten. Several people were hanging out in the object of my affection’s room. He was sitting on the corner of one of his beds (of course he had two, he is just that cool!). I thought my moment of achieving absolute awkward had arrived. I jumped onto the bed, grabbed him and hollered “BIG SPOON!”. I just knew that would get him. I was wrong, so very wrong. Not only was he not phased by my advances, but he took it as a chance to pose in a pretty damn model like manner!

As the night grew later, the time for the beer tasting party, hosted by Drunkson Grababeer, grew close. Room 526 needed to be prepped and when he asked me to help him with his shower I was all over that! I will not go into details, but let me just say that there were garbage cans full of ice and lots of beer. Let your imagination take that where it may! Several attempts were made through that night to make the awkward happen, but to no avail. Not even the wet willie when I hugged him good night worked. I was starting to feel discouraged. Maybe he was right. Maybe I could not make him feel awkward!

Sunday morning arrived with the haze of a hangover. As I packed up for the trip home I was struck by¬†a genius idea. It had to work! The only thing that concerned me was the thought of “Would I be able to pull it off?”. I knew that I had to try. It was my last chance and I am not one to give up. Goodbyes were being said, hugs given, wishes of safe journeys and such. There he was sitting across the jam room. Hunson Abadeer-intheheadlights. I told Meegan my plan and made sure that she had the camera ready then I went in for the kill. I sauntered up to the young thing and in a sultry, sensual, half of a voice I demanded “Get the f**k up and give me a hug! We are leaving!”. He stood, we embraced, it was beautiful. I pulled back and told him that he had won, I had failed at making him feel awkward. He stared me down as he had done earlier in the weekend. I swiftly grabbed his face and planted a big ‘ol smooch on him. (In spite of the look of the photo, it was a completely closed mouth kiss, I have some class. people! Meegan managed to capture my smile right before I laid it on him!)

 

I had done it! He was stunned, confused and feeling more than a little awkward! Game, set, match! As is customary in battles of the awkward, I was awarded the gold star beads and I wore them with the utmost pride during the journey home!